If I Were Scripting the DVD Commentary for Half-Blood Prince…

So, I saw Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince shortly after it came out. I have mixed feelings about the film, as I found plenty to both love and hate about it.

I figure the movie has been out long enough now to safely post details, but if you haven’t seen it and are spoilerphobic, you might want to bugger off about now.

And for the rest of you, I present my own version of DVD film commentary… you know the sort. The film executives and cast talk through the whole movie while you watch it. These can be kind of cool or uber annoying. Or both. But then again, that’s how I felt about the movie in the first place. 😉

Producers: Hello and welcome to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. We’d like you to pay special attention to this first scene where we blow our entire special effects budget exploding a bridge. Please bear that in mind for later.

Harry: I’ve always been a bit reckless, so I’m sure you’ll understand why I’m hanging at the local café, hitting on waitresses as I read my moving-picture, magical-headlined Daily Prophet in plain sight of a zillion muggles. And don’t ask where I got money for restaurant meals, either, cuz I haven’t got a clue.

Dumbledore: I’ve been working this gig for four movies now and I’m actually starting to understand my character a bit. Yay, me! Let’s get our new potions master and get back to Hogwarts.

Hermione: For all you book-obsessed detail-freaks, please notice that my hair has returned to its bushy state for potions class and potions class only. You’re welcome.

Draco: Finally… a chance to show all of y’all how awesome an actor I really am. Perhaps this will console me as toddlers burst into tears when they see me on the street.

Producers: We’re taking great pains here to represent the teen angst well, and we really think we did a bang-up job with it. Bear that in mind when you’re wondering what happened to most of the plot.

Voldemort: No fair! I got totally gypped! Half Blood Prince is supposed to be all about ME! The tragic family history that created the DARKEST MOST POWERFUL WIZARD EVER!!  And you give me two puny scenes that explain NOTHING? Don’t you realize who you’re messing with? I could kill you all right now, but that’s not really my style. So I’m off to formulate an elaborate plot where I exact my revenge against you sniveling imbeciles!

Producers: *clearing throats nervously* You may have noticed by now that the movie is more than half over, and we haven’t actually shown much about Voldemort at all. Sorry about that. Please let us make it up to you with a random and gratuitous scene where a dozen Death Eaters show up at the Burrow and chase everybody around a cornfield for a while.

Harry: HA! Told you I was reckless. Watch me take off alone after the lot of them.

Ginny: Lucky for Harry, I’m such a badass witch that I keep my wand with me even in the shower, just in case I have to scamper off in my bathrobe to save my cutie patootie.

Greyback: Look! Look!! There I am! Right THERE!! No lines, of course, or anything to conclusively identify me at all… but I got a full 2 seconds of screen time, and that’s something.

Death Eaters: Having surrounded the majority of the Order of the Phoenix and Voldemort’s arch enemy, we’ll ignore our strategic advantage and go home now. But not before we accomplish the *much* more important task of setting fire to the Burrow!

OOP & Weasleys: Oh noes! Our house is on fire! If only we were witches and wizards who could DO something besides clutch each other and shake our heads sadly.

Harry: Hermione! I’m glad to be back at school. Some crazy weird stuff went down at the Burrow over the break.

Hermione: You’re lucky you weren’t killed. But I’m strangely disinterested. Probably cuz I’m still upset about Ron.

Ginny: Ron and Lavender stole my meet-cute, so I have to kiss Harry in a cluttered magical closet and then run away instead. That kind of sucks, but at least I get to kiss him.

Harry: And that’s not the only way I get lucky in this film. I’m about to do an amazing acting job right here as I collect the missing memory from Slughorn with the felix felicis potion.

Producers: Yes, everyone. Be sure you enjoy that scene, cuz you’re going to be furious with us in a few minutes.

Dumbledore: Excellent work, Harry! Now we have proof Voldemort was making Horcruxes. Of course, since we’ve eliminated all the other memories of  Voldemort’s past from the film, it will be practically impossible for anyone to find them, but I never said this was supposed to be easy. Now, Harry, if you’ll just follow me into this cave which we have neglected to explain is personally significant to Voldemort.

Harry: I’ll follow you anywhere with no questions asked, even though you haven’t explained a bit about why this necklace is important. Or how you know it’s a horcrux. Or how I might be able to find the others. Here’s that potion you asked for.

Dumbledore: I may be deathly ill from the poison here, because I desperately need water. But despite the fact Harry wasn’t actually able to get me any, I’m about to spontaneously recover enough to kick some serious ass.

Producers: Don’t the Inferi look cool? Everyone please remember that later on.

Dumbledore: Well, contrary to the oft-repeated unbreakable rule, we’re going to go ahead and just apparate right onto the Hogwarts grounds. And I somehow I know that Draco’s coming to bump me off any minute. You might expect me to paralyze Harry or something, but instead I’m going to just tell him to hang out a floor below. That will be extremely helpful.

Draco: I have acted my butt off all movie, and now it’s my big moment. Any last words, Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Since I’m not busy casting silent spells on Harry, there’s really no reason I shouldn’t be able to disarm a naughty school boy, but for some reason I won’t bother to do that.

Harry: The Death Eaters have turned up. I can see everyone, but for some mysterious reason, none of them can see me. And I’ve completely changed character and  will stand here like a stump until Snape shows up and snuffs Dumbledore. How’s THAT for reckless?

Producers: Hey… remember how cool the bridge looked when it blew up? And those Inferi? Weren’t they awesome? Yeah… they were the best… So… anyway… no final battle scene. Sorry.

Death Eaters: Woot! We’ve killed Dumbledore! And we’ve met with no resistance whatsoever! Let’s smash things!

Harry: Pay no attention to the fact that, with no confusion of a big battle, it’s pretty hard to believe that no one bothers me as I chase after Snape all alone.

Snape: I’m uber emo, so I do sort of enjoy flipping my hair and shouting “I AM the Half Blood Prince!” But I still think I was better in the book.

Producers: So, er… we know you all were really looking forward to the emotional wallop of Dumbledore’s funeral. But… um… instead we’re just going to have everybody raise their lighted wands sort of like lighters at a rock concert. But, hey… the Inferi were way cool, right? KThxBai!

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20 Responses

  1. BAHAHA! I have a lot of the same feelings about the movie too, especially the fact that it had little to no plot. THBP was probably my favorite book in the series, so I was disappointed – especially in the fact that the end was horribly anticlimactic. (Can we say BREAKING DAWN? Sheesh.) But having said that, I loved the little details they threw in (like Hermione’s hair frizzing during potions class). But what the heck was up with Harry and Ginny’s kiss? It was one of the worst screen ones I’ve seen. I felt bad for Harry. That’s all he got? Come on now. I actually felt that Ron stole the show in this one. I loved the interplay between him and Hermione.

  2. Interesting! I haven’t seen it yet, but every one that I’ve heard from about the movie feels the same way.

  3. My daughter came home angry after watching this movie.

    Her exact words: “There was nothing good in it.”

    Not the most glorious review from a big-time Potter fan.

    I can’t bring myself to go see it now.

  4. Very Nice Blog, I’m a fan of Harry Potter..lol

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  5. Agree wholeheartedly with everything said.

    Love the commentary track!

  6. I am now completely under your spell. That was brilliant. The only addition I would make is this:

    Hermione: Also, for reasons unknown, possibly related to how very teen-cool we’re being, I’m acting tipsy after drinking a mug of non-alcoholic beverage.

    Harry: I get a turn to act drunk later on when I drink the luck potion, even though it makes no sense and is completely different than how it was written.

    Boo hiss, stupid movie. Will still go see the next one though. That’s the real kicker.

  7. Oh, amen! I think that’s the best commentary I’ve heard, well, ever. It was a love/hate relationship for me as well and you hit the nail on the head.

  8. Okay, my head just exploded like a floating Halloween pumpkin in the Great Hall. Honestly!

    This is why I didn’t see this one in theaters :(. I’d been burned before, and this only confirms my suspicions. *strokes the books while weeping*

  9. Well, I really enjoyed the movie, but I still thought all that was hilarious and so true. I have a great bookmark that says “Never judge a book by it’s movie.”

  10. Okay, this was way too funny (especially the producers’ commentary). Now I don’t have to see the movie.

  11. I’ve been dragging my feet on seeing this one since the last one was fairly disappointing. If I do go, I’ll do what I usually do with movies made from books I’ve read, think of then as totally unrelated.

  12. Hi Heather,

    Just finished the Time Traveler’s Wife and remembered that you were reading it to. Are you done???

    Love to know what you thought!
    scubacor at aol

  13. OMGosh Heather…THIS IS SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Thanks for the humor as I close down my computer and hop off to bed!!!

  14. Love one of your last thoughts about Dumbledore’s death: they raised their lighted wands sort of like lighters at a rock concert.

    Strange…that’s exactly what I was thinking. It seemed odd.

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  16. I finally saw the movie yesterday. Wow, you were bang on with the commentary, Heather. But you did have to love the bridge collapsing scene. That was truly–as the producers pointed out–worth the money. 😉

  17. I haven’t seen the movie, so I didn’t read through the commentary – but I’m sure I’ll see it eventually (whenever it gets to “rental” status).

    I’ve awarded you the Honest Scrap award, which you can view/participate in if you’re so inclined at my blog (linked above). 🙂

  18. Guess I’ll have to go just to be able to agree or disagree about the merits of the film. I hate to be left out of this debate.

  19. So true! While I liked the movie, I did have HUGE issues with what was changed, left out, deflated. I was disappointed. As a movie, it was good. As an adaptation of a great book, not so hot. But I admit, Draco did act his butt off and look good doing it! 🙂

    Thanks for the hilarious commentary!
    Jen

  20. I loved HBP but this faux commentary was right on and hilarious. some of the flaws did occur to me, but I guess i was more forgiving.
    By focusing more on what you hated, because it brings the funny, I hope that by omission you loved Rupert and Emmas portrayals. I thought they made the movie.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    p.s. my husband hasn’t read the books and i had to explain the horcrux thing to him since it was so shotty int the movie!

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